This is, as the title says, an open letter to you – you as in one person, not all of you. Yes, I know it’s a little weird, but here I am doing this.
And some of you (not you you but some of you) might be wondering right off the bat what on earth this is about and who the you person is.
Well, it’s like this. I’m not going to say who the you person is. If they ever happen to see this and read this, chances are they will know that they are the you I am writing this to.
So, yesterday it occured to me to write an open letter and do what I have wanted to do and therefore really haven’t wanted to do in the past two years – to say something to you. I still really don’t want to say anything to you.
Why? Because saying something puts me out there, let’s you know that oh lookie, she does care.An Open Letter to You (Yes, You) Click To Tweet
Yeah, I care. We both care. Always did, and I guess always will. But I didn’t care for being hurt – neither of us did. But that’s what we both got. From what? A misunderstanding? Pride?
It’s been over two years since you left or ran off or hit the road or decided we were no longer worthy of being your friend or whatever you want to call it. I’ve called it a lot of things over the past two years.
Sometimes I wonder if we’ve been punished enough. I’ve thought many times of reaching out. But I didn’t. Why? Because I don’t want look like a fool. Because I don’t want for things to be fine again, only to have something come up again later and this happen again. Because I don’t want to put my heart out there only to have it broken again.
And yet, here I am, doing this. Part of me is kicking myself right now even as I type, telling me that I am going to look like a fool and totally regret making even this little effort, that if you actually cared you would have made an effort in two years.
And then I think… yeah, maybe you did make an effort. A few months ago, or maybe it’s been a year now (I’ve lost track), you sent me a Facebook message. I’m sorry, I didn’t even read past the first couple of lines and I deleted it. Maybe it was an attempt by you to reach out. Or maybe it was just you wanting the domain. I do remember you saying in the message something to the effect that you knew you didn’t have a right to ask this… and then you asked for it (the domain). Honestly, it made me angry – angry that after an entire year of nothing, that was what I got. It didn’t occur to me that maybe that was your way of reaching out. I don’t know if it was or not.
And now another year has passed – over two years now. I’ve been sad – sad that I lost a dear friend over some silly misunderstanding. I’ve been mad – mad that I lost a dear friend over some silly misunderstanding. Both of us really…. pretty much the same. But me more so I think. Because you said you were keeping me out of it and I stayed out of it – here at home and with you also. It wasn’t about me and I didn’t have anything to do with it. But you made it about me when you unfriended me on Facebook and blocked me.
And I guess what really got me and still does at times is that we have known each other for so many years. It was like you died. When you left and didn’t come back, it honestly felt like you had died. You were loved like family – closer than a friend… like family. But you’ve always known that.
So it makes me want to ask, but I’m not sure I want to know the answer – did you just not come back out of pride, out of fear of looking or seeming foolish? Or was it because you really just plain didn’t want anything else to do with either of us? All over a Facebook group misunderstanding … thinking of it now just makes me shake my head still in disbelief.
Over the past few days after the two year mark came and went, I’ve wondered… I wonder if you think we’ve been punished enough. Then I think… no, don’t do it…. if you wanted to talk to either of us, you would do it…. and then I think maybe you feel like a hiney is why you’re still gone… and then I think, no you just plain don’t care. It goes back and forth that way in my brain, more than I care to admit.
And so, yesterday it occured to me to do this…. to write this… an open letter to you… that you probably won’t ever see or read. And even if you do see it and read it, I really don’t know what I expect at this point.
Okay, well maybe I do know what I expect.. kind of. More what I want I guess. It’s taken me two years to get to this point, to even say it.
You hurt me. You hurt both of us. And I have no doubt that you were hurt by whatever made you want to leave in the first place. I didn’t understand it then and frankly I still don’t. But whatever made you want to leave was obviously real to you.
I forgave you early on. Both of us did. Have I been sad and angry since then? Sure have… both… lots of times. But you were forgiven, regardless. I went through the many stages of grief – as I said, it was like you had died. I was sad, angry, happy, etc. But I got through it all, we both did.
And life went on. The sadness and angriness are pretty much a thing of the past. I made the choice to choose to be happy again. We both made the choice to get back to a joyful life. That didn’t mean we stopped caring. Guess we both probably always will care. That’s just who we are.
You are forgiven. As I said, you were forgiven early on. But being forgiven doesn’t mean I want to be hurt again. And yet here I am, writing this to you. So what does that say about me?
What you choose to do knowing all of this is up to you. To be honest, I am fine and happy regardless. I made that choice – to be fine and happy. And I keep making that choice every single day and sometimes every single hour.
It’s funny kind of… pride tells me to delete this and don’t post it… and yet another part of me wants my friend back… we both do… and yet even another part of me says run for the hills, you will only do something like this again… and yet still another part of me says hey maybe you hurt too… and then still yet another part (parts are parts) says good heavens girl no no no don’t do it… and then there’s the moo cow part that says moo cows unite and maybe things can be fixed…. and the last part that says even duckie tape can’t fix everything.
And so… it is by the grace of God that I go and post this… and then… (as they all wonder what on earth she is talking about, or who)…
And she waits, and she goes on living her life, and wonders … but she’s happy regardless…